


Dean Winchester is Heterosexual

by yourfrendlyneighborhoodfangirl



Series: Destiel [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Winchester does not have feelings, Dean Winchester is Not Gay, Dean Winchester is a Good American Son, Dean Winchester is an alpha male, Everyone is Heterosexual, Everyone is a Good American who is Straight and has No Feelings, Heaven, It's not gay to kiss another man, John Winchester is a Good American Dad, M/M, Pure Crack, This is what happens when you don't sleep, crackfic, oh my god i regret this, this is a joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:09:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28574292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourfrendlyneighborhoodfangirl/pseuds/yourfrendlyneighborhoodfangirl
Summary: Dean was finally in heaven. He could finally be happy, with his Very Heterosexual Car and his Good American Dad by his side. And, of course, all his heterosexual American friends and all the beautiful women he had loved because he was a Heterosexual.
Relationships: Blurry Woman (Supernatural: Carry On)/Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester/Anyone and Everything As Long as It Isn't Gay, author/regret
Series: Destiel [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1958527
Comments: 19
Kudos: 76





	Dean Winchester is Heterosexual

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the lovely people at the CW for giving Supernatural the Heterosexual Ending that it needed.

Dean was finally in heaven. He could finally be happy, with his Very Heterosexual Car and his Good American Dad by his side. And, of course, all his heterosexual American friends and all the beautiful women he had loved because he was a Heterosexual.

His Good American Dad hugged him tightly, then yelled at him a bit because that’s what Good American Dads do. Dean did not flinch when his Good American Dad yelled at him, as he was a Good American Son and he knew he deserved it.

Next, Dean checked in on his brother, not because he missed him (Alpha Males do not have emotions) but because they were a Good American Family and looked out for each other. Sam was happy down on Earth with his Blurry Wife and the rest of his Good American Family.

Dean was enjoying heaven with his Heterosexual Friends and Good American Family when one day a visitor showed up on his doorstep. The visitor was wearing a crooked tie and a beat up trench coat. The visitor looked like Cas.

“Castiel?” Dean asked, though he was not confused because that would be an emotion and Dean is an Alpha Male who does not have emotions. “I thought you went to super hell because you are gay and that’s what happens to gay people?”

“Hello Dean,” the visitor said. “It is me. I was meant to go straight to super hell, but I am not straight and could not follow straight instructions so I am here now.”

“Step back, Dean!” John Winchester yelled from inside the house. “You don’t want to catch the gay.”

“I missed you,” Castiel continued. He is not an Alpha Male, and so he has emotions and is therefore weak. 

Dean did not miss Castiel, but he still led the angel to his Heterosexual Car so they could have a conversation. Dean hoped that the Heterosexual-ness of his car would protect him from catching the gay from Castiel.

The man and the angel sat on the hood of the car and stared at each other. Dean did not study Castiel’s eyes and note how incredibly blue they were, and even if he had it would not have been gay because Dean is an Alpha Male. 

Then, Castiel closed his eyes, leaned in, and kissed Dean. Dean did not protest, but kissed him back. It was not gay, because they were only kissing and kissing another man is not gay if you are an Alpha Male. 

“I love you, Dean,” Castiel whispered.

“I love you too, Cas,” Dean responded hoarsely in a not gay way. 

So Dean continued to kiss his best friend on top of his Heterosexual Car in a not gay way, and though he was not happy because he does not have emotions, he was in heaven both literally and figuratively.

**Author's Note:**

> this is a joke this is a joke THIS IS A JOKE. Dean is bisexual Cas is queer John Winchester can burn in hell Sam uses he/they Sam and Eileen deserved better Cas and Dean deserved better Destiel forever fuck CW


End file.
